


I’m Not Okay...But I Will Be

by mrs_t2019



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Probably ooc, dad!Pike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 20:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_t2019/pseuds/mrs_t2019
Summary: Chris couldn’t think of anything to say, so he asked the stupid question. “Are you all right?”Michael looked into his eyes, seeing so much warmth and concern, and...something else she’d seen before. But where?Her teachers? No.Sarek? Definitely not.Maybe...Amanda.And her father.And her mother, once upon a time. In the final moments she’d seen her before Gabriele was pulled into the wormhole. It was...love?





	I’m Not Okay...But I Will Be

Chris stood with his arms across his chest, tapping his foot impatiently as he awaited the arrival of the away team. The party materialized on the pad, Philippa clutching her head while on her knees. He moved to help her up, but Nhan and Stamets were quick to duck under her arms and pull her up.

“We’ve got her, Captain,” Nhan said, shooting a glance and jerking her head toward Michael. Chris nodded and walked over to her, taking her elbow and pulling her into the turbolift.

“Captain’s quarters,” he said to the AI, feeling it rumble to life. Michael’s arm was just barely trembling in his hold. The doors opened and he led her into the room, dropping her elbow and standing directly in front of her. Her eyes bore holes into his chest, her face absent of any emotion. Chris couldn’t think of anything to say, so he asked the stupid question. “Are you all right?”

Michael looked into his eyes, seeing so much warmth and concern, and...something else she’d seen before. But where?

Her teachers? No.

Sarek? Definitely not.

Maybe...Amanda.

And her father.

And her mother, once upon a time. In the final moments she’d seen her before Gabriele was pulled into the wormhole. It was...love? She frowned in confusion and brought her hand up to her bicep, fingers picking at her jacket as she tried to comprehend all of the emotions that were floating around.

“Commander?”

Her captain put a hand over hers on her arm when she didn’t answer. The same hand that had, not so long ago, been only an electric barrier away from her mother’s. A shock went through her arm and she jerked away with a gasp, stumbling when she backed into the coffee table.

“Michael!” Chris cried. She would’ve fallen if he hadn’t thrown his hands forward to catch her elbows, bringing her toward him. She resisted, trying to pull away. “Michael, stop! You’re going to hurt yourself!”

“Let go of me!” she snapped. Twisting out of his grip, she clutched her head as she paced back and forth. The agonizing loss was hitting her in waves, making her nauseous.

Chris had never seen his commander like this, unable to put anything into words. He was surprised that it hadn’t happened before, given that she was human and certainly felt emotion like anyone else. Despite being raised on Vulcan, a meltdown was bound to happen at some point. One can only rationalize for so long.

“Talk to me, Michael,” he urged, moving closer to her, but only just so.

“ _Either the well was very deep, or she f-fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she...as she went down to look about her..._ ” Michael rattled off to herself. Chris squinted as he struggled to hear, slowly reaching a hand out. _“...and to wonder...w-what was going to happen next.”_

“Michael,” he called, but she didn’t stop pacing. Her hands moved down to her biceps, hugging herself as tears started streaming down her face. She tried to recite it smoothly, but she began stuttering and stumbling over her words.

“ _First, she tried to look down...a-and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything—_.” Michael stopped pacing suddenly when a sob cut her off, thrusting her hands into her hair with a cry.

“Michael, please,” Chris tried again, almost frightened at the events unfolding before him. “You’re trying to rationalize something that...that you just can’t right now. Let me help you.”

“We-We were there to see the supernova.” Michael started pacing once again, as if she hadn’t even heard her captain. She looked up at him for the first time since pulling away, her hands going back to clutching her arms. “I...I heard them die. I did.”

Chris felt like Michael was trying to convince him, or herself. He didn’t quite understand why she was going down this path again, but he nodded and sat on the edge of the coffee table, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and folding a hand over a fist, resting his mouth against them. He wasn’t able to get her attention, so he just let her talk and pace. She averted her eyes, deep in thought.

“Then Leland...Leland said he sent us to Doctari Alpha. And-And my parents had the time crystal. But...but that’s not what they told me. They said we could stay so I could see the star...” Michael’s hands waved as she spoke, as if trying to physically sort her thoughts. “But...my mom had the suit, and she’s alive...so Leland must have been telling the truth.”

Chris hadn’t known this part. He filed it in the back of his head to research later.

“Now, Leland is infected by Control. He destroyed the time crystal. Mom...” Chris could see Michael starting to unravel, her pace slowing. He moved to stand next to her, watching her sadly as her body began to tremble. “My mom’s gone.”

“Mich—.” He was cut off by her gasping breath, her chin trembling.

“Sh-She’s gone. I lost her again,” Michael stuttered, her eyes going wide. She looked down at her hands, rubbing her fingers. “I had her. And Leland...took her from me again.”

Chris heard venom in her voice, and it sent a shiver up his spine. He knew that voice. She wanted Leland’s blood, and he didn’t blame her, but it wasn’t the way of Starfleet. He saw her hands ball into fists, and noticed the twitch of a punch ready to be thrown...but she wouldn’t do that. She was Michael Burnham...who had just watched her mother be ripped away from her...anything was possible. It was almost in slow motion. Michael pulled her fist back, ready to put it through the wall. Chris knew that wouldn’t end well, with them being made of metal that withstood the viciousness of space, and jumped forward.

“No, Michael!” he exclaimed, reaching for her and spinning her around to face him.

Michael found herself wrapped in Chris’s arms, her own pinned tightly between their bodies. She pushed against him, pounded his chest, exclaimed her frustration, but he didn’t release her.

“Stop,” Chris whispered, moving a hand to the back of Michael’s head as he pressed his lips to her ear. He could feel that she was getting tired. “Stop fighting me.”

“H-He took her! I had her, and he took her!” Michael sobbed, now weakly pushing on his sternum.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” Michael panted through her grunts, which gradually turned to whimpers. Chris loosened his hold when she stopped pushing away, feeling her chest moving without rhythm, hearing her gasping for breath. “Breathe. Slow down. I’ve got you.”

“C-Captain...” Michael gasped, her fingers curling into the front of his jacket as her knees grew weak. Black spots danced in front of her eyes, her chest tightening and her lungs heaving. Her head was spinning, emotions flooding her mind. She hadn’t felt this much since the day her parents...she could no longer say ‘died,’ so what was it? And how could her mother have been so cold? And how could Leland have let her believe she was at fault for two decades? And why was her mother ripped away from her again? She let out an animalistic groan, pressing her forehead almost painfully into Chris’s shoulder. “Please, just make it stop.”

“Make what stop?” Chris asked, concerned that he was hearing Michael Burnham making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Michael became frustrated at her inability to make him understand and an angry sob was barked into his shoulder. Her shaking legs failed beneath her and she sank to the ground. Chris went with her, easing her down gently and pulling her back to his chest, bringing his knees up alongside her as he leaned back against the sofa. Michael fumbled for the zipper on her jacket, her shaking fingers unable to pull the constricting fabric away. It was too tight, too hot. She broke into a cold sweat, panicked whimpers breaking free. She couldn’t breathe.

“It’s okay, I’ve got it,” Chris told her, reaching around to help her with the zipper. She furiously tried to get the jacket off, her arms like jelly, but wasn’t able to without her captain’s help. She was pulled back against his chest again, one arm around her waist, hand soothingly rubbing her stomach, and the other across her chest as her head fell back on his shoulder. Her hand gripped his forearm on her shoulders while the other clutched his pant leg.

“Pl-Please, make it stop.” Michael didn’t know how much more she could take as she stared at the ceiling.

“I need you to tell me what, Michael. I can’t help if I don’t know what it is,” Chris told her, his lips next to her ear.

“E-Everything. My head, th-these thoughts, emotions. I-I can’t...I can’t,” she sobbed. The hand on her stomach stopped rubbing and squeezed her waist, Chris adjusting his hold as he rocked her from side to side.

“Okay, okay. Take it easy. It’s all right.” Chris pressed a kiss to Michael’s hair, speaking softly into her scalp. “I’m right here, kiddo.”

“She-She’s gone. I lost her.”

“Michael, I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? Just breathe. Focus on me.”

“Ca-Cap—,” she wheezed, but he cut her off.

“Sh, sh, shh. You’re okay. You gotta calm down, though. Here, give me your hands,” Chris said, running his hands down her arms and lacing their fingers together, settling them in her lap. He dropped his legs on the outside of hers and squeezed their palms together. “Close your eyes. Squeeze as tight as you can. Now count to ten with me. One, two, three...”

“F-four, fi-ive, six...”

“Seven, eight, nine, ten. Good. Now relax. Count again...That’s it. Squeeze. One, two...” They did this for several more cycles until Michael’s breathing returned to normal, her body going limp against her captain’s. He wrapped their arms around her, shifting their hands around, and embraced her warmly, kissing her temple with a sigh. “Good girl. Just relax. I’ve got you.”

Michael finally did as she was told, leaning all of her weight into Chris. She felt drunk as she lay on the floor in her captain’s arms, his thumbs rubbing the backs of her hands. Her head was tossed back on his shoulder, dazed eyes staring at the door. She flinched when Chris released her hands to put his own on her shoulders.

“Easy, it’s okay. What do you say we get off the floor, huh?” he suggested quietly, as if she were a child. Michael nodded, leaning forward to allow him to stand and pull her up. He led her over to the bed, sitting her down and bending to pull her boots off for her.

A blanket was wrapped around her shoulders and a glass of water placed in her shaking hands. The captain kept his hand under the glass, and laid his other hand on her back, guiding the vessel to her lips. When she’d had her fill, he set the glass on the nightstand, removed his jacket and boots, and stretched out on the other side of the bed, sitting back against the pillows.

“C’mere,” Chris said, holding out his hand. Michael put her hand in his, letting herself be guided to lay down on his shoulder. She fisted his shirt while still clutching the edge of the blanket, tears falling onto it as she shuddered and hiccuped. She felt his hand in her hair, stroking gently before moving down to rub her back. “Shh, it’s all right. Calm down. I’ve got you, Michael. Everything’s going to be okay.”

For the next thirty minutes, every time Michael thought she had settled, another wave of misery would hit her and she would begin weeping. Her captain would soothe her, she would lay there for all of five minutes, and it would start all over again. She was getting frustrated again. She just wanted to sleep.

“You need to try and relax, Michael. You’re getting yourself worked up,” Chris said softly, looking down at her while still rubbing her back. Michael took a deep, shaky breath.

“I c-can’t,” she wept. “I-I’m so tired, Captain.”

“All right. Sit up for me. I’m going to get something,” he told her while gently sliding her off of him. He stood and walked away, returning with another glass, this one with a hefty amount of amber liquid. “Drink this. It’ll help.”

Michael sniffed the drink before taking a swallow, wincing as it burned a path down her throat. She slowly felt her extremities tingling, her eyes growing heavy. She tossed the rest back and handed him the glass, shaking her head when the room started twisting. She felt movement beneath her, not realizing that Chris had pushed her to lay down on a pillow. He took the blanket from her shoulders and pulled the bedsheets over her, laying down on top of them next to her.

“Get some sleep, Michael,” he told her kindly. She rolled onto her stomach, burying her face in a pillow that smelled of his cologne and breathing deeply. She felt him rubbing her back, her eyes drifting shut. “That’s it. Just close your eyes and relax. I’ve got you.”

Her last thought before falling into the deep abyss of sleep was that she was glad she wasn’t alone.


End file.
